now i finally understand that, for many things, putting in your best doesn't always have good returns.
many understood that through studies. me, through every other thing than studies.

since young, i try my best being the best daughter, sister, friend whatever. there were some returns, but more disappointment than anything else. nothing best was ever enough.

every year i reflect on my past years, who i am now, whether it's really what i want, etc.
every year, i fail to convince myself that it's never between me and man, it's all about me and God.
perhaps it's because between me and God, i never did my best anyway. my best was always for this world, one thing i know i'll terribly regret if i don't change.

but it's like i have Parkinson's, i have bradykinesia, slow to initiate, difficult to change directions and moving in life with a cogwheel movement - jerky and unstable. i have postural instability, a difficulty in standing firm in my faith, a rigid, stiff person who clings onto what can be seen. i have tremors at rest, and akathisia of inner restlessness where the Holy Spirit constantly nags at me but all i do is stay stationary and trying very hard to control the involuntary tremors that i have. it's like my soul is degenerating, causing significant morbidity and affecting my activities of daily living and quality of life.

thankfully a broken and contrite heart God will not despise. unlike parkinsons which is not curable, i can be made strong again in God. maybe i'll have my on and off periods as well, but God will definitely preserve me all the way through life's long journey ahead(:

+ val-* @ 11:44 PM

_________