Today was a gloomy day at work.
I had a shitty week last week. I just felt shitty last week, i thought it through, why was it really shitty.
Monday i had alot of our of the norm cases, and it was unclaimed and very busy and my partner wasn't the best to work with so i was already very sian. I guess when you are sian everything else just follows in that mood. but i guess it was mon so i actually recalled taking everything into my stride quite well, i didn't show my pissed off face to patients or anything, and at one point i even told myself these patients need help. I rmbed i was pissed off on hindsight because 3 people told me "REALLY MEH". like seriously, if you don't believe me just ask someone else. i was very sure of my answers and was in a helpful mood, so i rmbed giving detailed answers and all. How dare you think i'm smoking you. now i know why one of my friend used to feel. i used to think he'd say that because he was insecure, to me i just double checked with others because 1. it's true i didn't believe his answers, 2. it's true i just wanted to be doubly sure. So thinking back i guess i was wrong. but in this case all the answers i gave patients that day there wasn't even a wisp of smoke in there, if i wasn't sure perhaps i wouldn't have been so offended.
Tue i was closing and had to take over early because the floor was opening that day. i actually felt alittle helpless in that situation, like i feel that i could have done something but yet nothing comes to my mind. it honestly wasn't that bad but i felt a little out of touch. plus when it came to the point where all the normal pple left i really felt the hit in manpower shortage. plus i also had this call that yessss asked me sure ah sure ah, when i had to complete my intervention and start clearing the other scripts. i felt bad to be speaking to him so impatiently, perhaps i should have handled it more appropriately or kept someone with me inside. ohwells, the dilemma.
Wed was the shittest. had an error to investigate which turned into a very long investigation because it seemed that before the person who discovered the error informed us, there were others who just gave out the medication. it was a long and dreary investigation, and turned out i was kind of implicated in a way, although i wasn't the one who gave out the medication. and when the error was discovered, the patient load was madness and the closing cover was under a lot of stress. i was pretty insensitive and said don't worry it will clear. and also remarked to her after that "see it wasn't that bad". that was really stupid of me. i'm writing this down so that i don't forget and think before i said such things again, still feel bad abt it until now. to be honest i was really stressed out that day but no excuses for not thinking before speaking. and also writing down that i'm a stupid asshole who doesn't have the courage to even say sorry to her. partly cos i can't find the opportunity to say face-to-face and cos i don't want to text her, but still. see, that's the reason why it's still burning in my conscience. no help to the stress i'm feeling until today. not just that error but also another "assumed" error that alarmed the patient and also led to a lot of investigations, only to come to no concrete conclusion.
thu. a short break at ibd. although ibd clinics are now stressful too, the way we have to be on constant alert to grab patients for the study and all. really hate it. but at least i didn't have that many to do that thu. reached the pharmacy and knew abt the RMS. my heart totally sank and had to plan for follow up actions. not to mention there was also one near miss that was jaw-dropping as well, which i had to half investigate that day. all these really made me crash at 10+ (sth i havent done in eons) that night.
fri. i was supposed to be at asthma clinic with 18pts, wanted to faint. am soooooo glad steph did it for me and in exchange i could do courier, really really needed the break. had to clear the remnants of the RMS. had enough of that week, was thankful i didn't have to work that sat.
over the wkends when i was looking back, i felt that i could have taken things into my stride better. why get so caught up and stressed about the investigations. i should do it in a clear-headed manner and objectively. but i guess because i was also implicated so it was alittle harder to be calm and think calmly. i even thought if i was suited to do this or to tell the comm i'm staying out of such future investigations, but i guess i would benefit from learning to deal with such things and to learn how to better manage my emotions at the same time.
back to today. i was whole day dispensing, and i was expecting a bad day again today although i told myself this week can only be better. it was because the machine had problem and the waiting time was long. i actually did my best once i sat down, and was thankful for all the nice patients i got and that it turned out to be pretty smooth. even managed to counsel some cooperative patients and gave good tips. so despite the tiring day i felt pleased that things were picking up. had to help other solve a few billing problems today and also settle some patient's queries, so i also felt pleased. i think what bothered me was that in the 2nd half of the day i think everyone was really tired. the machine people were all tired, a few friends had some error to settle/investigate, and everyone has to work "harder" when the machine was down. you could see it was really monday blues for everyone. i felt worried and sad for my friends and imagined how it would feel like if im in their shoes. some had family matters on top of all these. to be honest, i can identify with part of it due to my horrendous past week, but when you see their devastated look you'll know it's never the same unless you were in their shoes.
i'm writing all these down so that i will reflect on what has happened and think what i can do to make things better for me and all. i have many things on my mind as well - R&R, CD, med safety, and i also make sure i know which events comes first, which are more crucial, which i should plan first. my thoughts are spontaneous though, suddenly i think of an idea for this, i think of an idea for that. it's all i can do to note it down and save it for later when it's time for plan for the other thing instead.
today's talk about neoh and alio also made me think about my career, what i'm doing now, what are my plans for the future, anyone i should talk to, things like that. i shall keep all this in mind, and chew on all these slowly and carefully.
+ val-* @ 12:07 AM