Back again at the end of the year just to do some reflections. And i'm sure glad i wrote that post in May as a reminder just to see where i was for the 1st half of the year, because looking back now i kind of only remembered better what happened in the 2nd half of the year.
This year have been a thrilling roller coaster ride for me. To the point I'm beginning to think it's never going to end. I shall attempt to group a few things together to organise my post a little.
Further studies and career advancement
Since october last year, this has been the longest standing issue for the entire year for me. I can't believe that until now I'm still unclear if I'll get to further studies next year, after updating my CV at least 5 times and filling in 4 applications forms with its various sections for residency and pharmD at different time points, most of the time forced to submit all these documents within a matter of 3 days or less. My latest was done in 2 hours? I probably wouldn't be able to do so if I hadn't applied so many times for studies this year, and I guess each application made me clearer in what I want to achieve, so there's some blessing in disguise there. And there were occasions, whereby I'd think finally I was going to go for residency for sure, and then because of a decision I made to specialise in ambcare (i still don't regret saying that) which is not recognise, I don't get to study again. I was kind of prepared to let go of my portfolios and all and to start afresh, but that chance never came and it's screwed up my plans real badly. In any case, I kind of moved on and then they dropped a bomb on me saying I can apply for pharmD now. so now it's down to waiting and see if I get it again. But the wait is over a month already and it's making me hesitant to take up long term portfolios in fear that I might have to drop it soon if I get to go for pharmD. I really wish I'll get to know the results soon so I can plan better what I want to do. That said, I still maintain my stand that I'm open to studying next year or the following year since i am doing alittle more ambcare stuff now, and like i said to advance fast is not everything.
Current career activities
I place this second not because it's my second priority, it's just a continuation of the 1st point anyway. Just a note to self of where I am now. Like i've mentioned earlier, there were many things i've learnt to drop partly cos of the further studies issue but also because I need to streamline my portfolio. I can't seem to drop R&R, but i think i will finally let go after teambuilding, now that the team is growing and doing well(: CD i'm also handing over to a junior, who has recently took up more initiative to revamp things, and i'm heartened to see that. I think sometimes I just need to handover and not worry too much because maybe when u hand over responsibilities that's when people wake up and respond to it and do something. If they feel that someone is already on it, they will not put in that much effort. Other than these 2 non-clinical portfolios I've recently took up employee engagement too, which had been exciting for me although i felt abit lost. My boss gave me this portfolio despite knowing that I want the clinical track and I was apprehensive and yet excited to take it up? I think it will really expose me to alot of management decisions and to improve the working environment, culture etc in the pharmacy and generally, I love making changes! Especially if it's for the better. Hopefully things will move on smoothly with this heh.
Clinical-wise, I'm happy i'm finally running all the clinics independently and i love THC despite it being challenging! This is precisely what I wanna do heehee. To intervene directly with the doctors to improve the care of patients. I still love running the rest of the clinics so yeah, glad i have quite a number of clinic slots nowadays. Rounds, still not keen due to the timing. Otherwise it's good practice too. I have alot of students now too! I actually like this part of the job alot, although it really gives me alot of stress sometimes because i do feel the need to spend more time with them, to help them beyond the minimum and to also be a friend (if they're not scared of me haha). Really hope I can do more in this area. Oh and I quit med safety. It was a sad decision but a necessary one. There are just people whom you cannot work with (maybe others can but i don't see the need of tolerating it), so yes i quit because of human factor. I always believe being happy in the workplace is impt, it's not just about the work. So I rather do something else even if i really felt alot for med safety initially. No point wasting my time in the hope that my ideas will be accepted in put into place as long as the person is there. Shall invest my energies and brain power on other areas. Still helping with clinical audit anyway.
Parting
This, was my main reason for wanting to post something today, although this post effectively doubles up as my year end reflection. This year is a milestone for me in many ways, the studies thing, as well as this parting thing.
First, I'm gonna say goodbye to one of my dearest friend at work. It's not like he's leaving forever, but yes he got to go for residency while i didn't. He is someone who knows very very clearly that he wants the clinical track, and we have become buddies bcos of that. We had alot of trainings together, we moved up together, we rant about things together and we ate dinner/sing k/ go out together. He is someone whom I feel comfortable telling him in the face when i'm unhappy with him or giving him some suggestions; i don't have to talk behind his back or anything. He has been a very big part of my 3 years of work and I thank God for him. Although the future seems blurry and filled with obstacles, I pray that the Lord will guide him through his future path wherever his studies and pursuit may lead him.
Second, I'm gonna say goodbye to my church friends. It's been a struggling decision to make, afterall i've been in this church since young. I wouldn't say my relationship with my church friends were like super freaking close, but we've at least grew up together so there's some sort of connection there. I loved my church also because of the ample opportunities to listen to God's words; it is a church well-grounded in the bible. A series of events led to my mum and my bro leaving church and also my dearest sister. It was difficult for me to drive to church alone when there used to be 4 of us in there. But i think this made me rethink about my attitude towards my religion, my whole faith. Being in this church since young, i have become too accustomed to its ways and some things have become v routine for me and I've become complacent in my faith in many ways. So, i've decided to leave too. It was not a rash decision, definitely pushed by many factors but also well-considered. I taught my last sunday sch class last week, and as i savour my last few sessions in this church i had alot of mixed feelings within me. As the coming year approaches it gets more and more difficult to believe that i'm finally going to leave behind all these church people who have been kind to me over the years in many small ways. I have not been particularly close to them but neither do i have anything against most of them. I pray that God will keep these people loving towards one another and being more accommodating to each other.
I also have a special friend in this church, a friend who used to wash the toilets with me, chide me for not teaching him the piano, tease me about guys, buy snacks with me during break time, designed camp booklets and tshirts and play mariocart together and many other tonnes of wonderful memories. I think I feel saddest that I have to say goodbye to him. We aren't the kind to talk or message each other during weekdays, but on sundays we can talk about anything and everything and update each other on our lives. Thinking back, i'm always amazed by how much i don't know about him even after so many years, down to simple things like what colour/food he likes. It's just special the way it is. When he went overseas to study last year I was sad for a year. tried to text him alittle at the beginning but i guess i couldn't get used to the mode of communication with them, texting is just not our thing. Unfortunately, just 3 months into him being back with us I've decided to leave. Today, I was just looking at him play the piano and thinking back how eager he was in learning and how much he had improved over the years, and I'm marveled by God's grace in those who has a serving heart. There I knew that I cannot be selfish and ask him to leave with me to an english speaking congregation. He wanted to at some point but I guess he has no intention to leave now and it's not up to me to influence him to do so. God obviously has His ways.
Today, in church, I almost cried thinking about all these, how jobelle would still run up to me during teabreak, how i wore the lime green dress for a few weeks to church to coincide with hers, how i taught various classes of sunday sch, how i used to play the piano (and likely i would hardly play it anymore) in church, how i'm the big sister to a group of girls although they're probably more close within themselves then i am to them, how i was close to shufen and would fetch her and her mum home, how there is pr lingli and those few adults who would actually talk to me despite me being so quiet, how i'm so used to the whole service sequence and the familiarity of the place.
But ultimately, i know i have to leave. Leaving is not easy, and i finally got to taste it myself. I've had colleagues who left, i think that was difficult for me enough to see them leave, but to actually be the one leaving is a totally different level of sadness in itself. Looking forward, I'm hoping for renewed determination in my faith in the new church and to have a fresh start. It'll definitely be difficult at the start but I'm optimistic about the change!
Third, it's saying goodbye to dance. I guess now and then I would still go for classes for fun, but I think it's finally the end for concerts with ascendance 2015. I still remembered how I cried and cried during the final finale, It's because my item mates this time are the best i could ever ask for and also i guess even though i was never very good at dance but I felt my improvement in this concert. it was a concert that i got in because my instructor pulled me in, i felt the need to put in extra effort (i think i never went for so many pracs in my concert life) and there were alot of ups and downs but it was a truly memorable last concert. I kind of injured my shoulders (they still click now occasionally) too and that kind of made me decide to rest them a little after the concert. Still did a couple of dance classes (of which the instructor is not teaching anymore *cries*) and danced for my work's annual party, but i think that's gonna be it for a while. maybe at least a 3 month hiatus. and yes no more concerts. Would like to think that I ended it all with a bang.
In conclusion, this year has been a year of making decisions and waiting and changing plans and waiting again. I'm still thankful for everything and I'm sure things are going to pick up from here for the better. Just need to have a little more patience and placing my trust in God more. Peace!
+ val-* @ 4:30 PM