So many things have happened, that I'm really thankful for. I've somewhat settled down in my new church, served joyfully in the choir, made new friends, got my scholarship for pharmD, etcetc.
But I'm here today to talk about my solo trip. like, WHAT?!!!! ikr, like who would expect me to go for one. I'm such a grounded person to SG, although recently I've just begin to understand why pple like to travel and experience new things, but a solo trip is still quite daunting to me. I guess I was kind of forced into it under some circumstances, but to my surprise I'm actually quite excited about it (although the nagging feeling of apprehensiveness is lurking in the subconscious). I mean, YOLO!!
These few days I've been researching on what I want to do (omg the awesome feeling of not having to consider or cancel it off the itinerary just cause someone doesn't want to do it makes me squeal in delight) and that really made me super duper excited. There's so much I've seen on Korean variety shows and all I really can't wait to go there. getting around worries me abit most because from experience the streets aren't exactly the same as on the map zz. there will always be some weird alley popping out of nowhere and the smaller ones aren't drawn in.
I thought 9 days would be quite a lot, but my itinerary is already packed omggg. Wanted to factor in some chill time at some teahouse or cafes butttttt maybe not. even jjimjilbang i'll be thinking if I would truly enjoy it or constantly thinking of zao-ing to my next destination haha. Traveling alone really gives me a lot of flexibility I like but being the maniac like me, can't stand inefficiency so I can totally imagine myself dashing everywhere. Maybe i'll end up completing my itinerary with way too much time on hand (I'd like to believe HAHA).
Going on a solo trip is not easy. I would love to have it truly free and easy, but being the uptight me, had to go research on place to go, food to eat, how to get there etcetc. And have to book everything myself! airticket, accom, pocket wifi, busan ktx tickets/passes, etcetc. I was quite busy these few weeks but at every free time I had I'd be researching or booking stuff lolol.
I've also been studying Korean! (by now, I realized how disorganized my post it but whatever just gonna jot down whatever comes to mind.) I meant it to be for fun since I watch freaking a lot of Korean shows, shall try to seriously pick up a language. Unfortunately I think learning languages is really not my forte, so after struggling with howtostudykorean unit 1 lesson 1-16, of which I failed 2 mini test, kind of gave up learning the grammar HAHA. but I'm using this tool called memrise to learn Korean words. I'm at 500 words! so proud of myself! now when I watch variety shows, I realized I can pick up the corresponding verbal Korean words when I read the subtitle! I don't dare to claim that if I was just listening to the Korean I can grasp what it means, but sometimes I can. That makes me happy hehe. At least part of the sacrifice of sleep while on the roads were worth it! and hopefully all these staring at Korean words daily for a month or more now will help me read Korean words faster in the land of Korean only no English better.
With just less than a week left (4 days!!), I'm really really excited!!! but I still don't dare to tell my parents I'm going alone. I like to scare myself by thinking what if I don't make it back? personally, I'd be ok but I'm like imagining myself to be some all impt person and my family and friends will be in shock muahahahahhaa. narcissistic moment. Praying that all will go smoothly and I can enjoy my time there pretending to be local HAHA. as if it'll happen with my lousy Korean. annyeonghi gyeseyo!
+ val-* @ 11:15 PM
Back again at the end of the year just to do some reflections. And i'm sure glad i wrote that post in May as a reminder just to see where i was for the 1st half of the year, because looking back now i kind of only remembered better what happened in the 2nd half of the year.
This year have been a thrilling roller coaster ride for me. To the point I'm beginning to think it's never going to end. I shall attempt to group a few things together to organise my post a little.
Further studies and career advancement
Since october last year, this has been the longest standing issue for the entire year for me. I can't believe that until now I'm still unclear if I'll get to further studies next year, after updating my CV at least 5 times and filling in 4 applications forms with its various sections for residency and pharmD at different time points, most of the time forced to submit all these documents within a matter of 3 days or less. My latest was done in 2 hours? I probably wouldn't be able to do so if I hadn't applied so many times for studies this year, and I guess each application made me clearer in what I want to achieve, so there's some blessing in disguise there. And there were occasions, whereby I'd think finally I was going to go for residency for sure, and then because of a decision I made to specialise in ambcare (i still don't regret saying that) which is not recognise, I don't get to study again. I was kind of prepared to let go of my portfolios and all and to start afresh, but that chance never came and it's screwed up my plans real badly. In any case, I kind of moved on and then they dropped a bomb on me saying I can apply for pharmD now. so now it's down to waiting and see if I get it again. But the wait is over a month already and it's making me hesitant to take up long term portfolios in fear that I might have to drop it soon if I get to go for pharmD. I really wish I'll get to know the results soon so I can plan better what I want to do. That said, I still maintain my stand that I'm open to studying next year or the following year since i am doing alittle more ambcare stuff now, and like i said to advance fast is not everything.
Current career activities
I place this second not because it's my second priority, it's just a continuation of the 1st point anyway. Just a note to self of where I am now. Like i've mentioned earlier, there were many things i've learnt to drop partly cos of the further studies issue but also because I need to streamline my portfolio. I can't seem to drop R&R, but i think i will finally let go after teambuilding, now that the team is growing and doing well(: CD i'm also handing over to a junior, who has recently took up more initiative to revamp things, and i'm heartened to see that. I think sometimes I just need to handover and not worry too much because maybe when u hand over responsibilities that's when people wake up and respond to it and do something. If they feel that someone is already on it, they will not put in that much effort. Other than these 2 non-clinical portfolios I've recently took up employee engagement too, which had been exciting for me although i felt abit lost. My boss gave me this portfolio despite knowing that I want the clinical track and I was apprehensive and yet excited to take it up? I think it will really expose me to alot of management decisions and to improve the working environment, culture etc in the pharmacy and generally, I love making changes! Especially if it's for the better. Hopefully things will move on smoothly with this heh.
Clinical-wise, I'm happy i'm finally running all the clinics independently and i love THC despite it being challenging! This is precisely what I wanna do heehee. To intervene directly with the doctors to improve the care of patients. I still love running the rest of the clinics so yeah, glad i have quite a number of clinic slots nowadays. Rounds, still not keen due to the timing. Otherwise it's good practice too. I have alot of students now too! I actually like this part of the job alot, although it really gives me alot of stress sometimes because i do feel the need to spend more time with them, to help them beyond the minimum and to also be a friend (if they're not scared of me haha). Really hope I can do more in this area. Oh and I quit med safety. It was a sad decision but a necessary one. There are just people whom you cannot work with (maybe others can but i don't see the need of tolerating it), so yes i quit because of human factor. I always believe being happy in the workplace is impt, it's not just about the work. So I rather do something else even if i really felt alot for med safety initially. No point wasting my time in the hope that my ideas will be accepted in put into place as long as the person is there. Shall invest my energies and brain power on other areas. Still helping with clinical audit anyway.
Parting
This, was my main reason for wanting to post something today, although this post effectively doubles up as my year end reflection. This year is a milestone for me in many ways, the studies thing, as well as this parting thing.
First, I'm gonna say goodbye to one of my dearest friend at work. It's not like he's leaving forever, but yes he got to go for residency while i didn't. He is someone who knows very very clearly that he wants the clinical track, and we have become buddies bcos of that. We had alot of trainings together, we moved up together, we rant about things together and we ate dinner/sing k/ go out together. He is someone whom I feel comfortable telling him in the face when i'm unhappy with him or giving him some suggestions; i don't have to talk behind his back or anything. He has been a very big part of my 3 years of work and I thank God for him. Although the future seems blurry and filled with obstacles, I pray that the Lord will guide him through his future path wherever his studies and pursuit may lead him.
Second, I'm gonna say goodbye to my church friends. It's been a struggling decision to make, afterall i've been in this church since young. I wouldn't say my relationship with my church friends were like super freaking close, but we've at least grew up together so there's some sort of connection there. I loved my church also because of the ample opportunities to listen to God's words; it is a church well-grounded in the bible. A series of events led to my mum and my bro leaving church and also my dearest sister. It was difficult for me to drive to church alone when there used to be 4 of us in there. But i think this made me rethink about my attitude towards my religion, my whole faith. Being in this church since young, i have become too accustomed to its ways and some things have become v routine for me and I've become complacent in my faith in many ways. So, i've decided to leave too. It was not a rash decision, definitely pushed by many factors but also well-considered. I taught my last sunday sch class last week, and as i savour my last few sessions in this church i had alot of mixed feelings within me. As the coming year approaches it gets more and more difficult to believe that i'm finally going to leave behind all these church people who have been kind to me over the years in many small ways. I have not been particularly close to them but neither do i have anything against most of them. I pray that God will keep these people loving towards one another and being more accommodating to each other.
I also have a special friend in this church, a friend who used to wash the toilets with me, chide me for not teaching him the piano, tease me about guys, buy snacks with me during break time, designed camp booklets and tshirts and play mariocart together and many other tonnes of wonderful memories. I think I feel saddest that I have to say goodbye to him. We aren't the kind to talk or message each other during weekdays, but on sundays we can talk about anything and everything and update each other on our lives. Thinking back, i'm always amazed by how much i don't know about him even after so many years, down to simple things like what colour/food he likes. It's just special the way it is. When he went overseas to study last year I was sad for a year. tried to text him alittle at the beginning but i guess i couldn't get used to the mode of communication with them, texting is just not our thing. Unfortunately, just 3 months into him being back with us I've decided to leave. Today, I was just looking at him play the piano and thinking back how eager he was in learning and how much he had improved over the years, and I'm marveled by God's grace in those who has a serving heart. There I knew that I cannot be selfish and ask him to leave with me to an english speaking congregation. He wanted to at some point but I guess he has no intention to leave now and it's not up to me to influence him to do so. God obviously has His ways.
Today, in church, I almost cried thinking about all these, how jobelle would still run up to me during teabreak, how i wore the lime green dress for a few weeks to church to coincide with hers, how i taught various classes of sunday sch, how i used to play the piano (and likely i would hardly play it anymore) in church, how i'm the big sister to a group of girls although they're probably more close within themselves then i am to them, how i was close to shufen and would fetch her and her mum home, how there is pr lingli and those few adults who would actually talk to me despite me being so quiet, how i'm so used to the whole service sequence and the familiarity of the place.
But ultimately, i know i have to leave. Leaving is not easy, and i finally got to taste it myself. I've had colleagues who left, i think that was difficult for me enough to see them leave, but to actually be the one leaving is a totally different level of sadness in itself. Looking forward, I'm hoping for renewed determination in my faith in the new church and to have a fresh start. It'll definitely be difficult at the start but I'm optimistic about the change!
Third, it's saying goodbye to dance. I guess now and then I would still go for classes for fun, but I think it's finally the end for concerts with ascendance 2015. I still remembered how I cried and cried during the final finale, It's because my item mates this time are the best i could ever ask for and also i guess even though i was never very good at dance but I felt my improvement in this concert. it was a concert that i got in because my instructor pulled me in, i felt the need to put in extra effort (i think i never went for so many pracs in my concert life) and there were alot of ups and downs but it was a truly memorable last concert. I kind of injured my shoulders (they still click now occasionally) too and that kind of made me decide to rest them a little after the concert. Still did a couple of dance classes (of which the instructor is not teaching anymore *cries*) and danced for my work's annual party, but i think that's gonna be it for a while. maybe at least a 3 month hiatus. and yes no more concerts. Would like to think that I ended it all with a bang.
In conclusion, this year has been a year of making decisions and waiting and changing plans and waiting again. I'm still thankful for everything and I'm sure things are going to pick up from here for the better. Just need to have a little more patience and placing my trust in God more. Peace!
+ val-* @ 4:30 PM
Need to write this down as a reminder. Throughout my career since the start of pre-reg, my goals have been ever changing. I think from the start I had the notion of not entering the rat race, but being the competitive me, i think it just comes naturally that i want to have more things to do and to take the path that i feel i would be most successful at.
So I chose outpatient over inpatient, chose clinical track over professional track, studied hard to pass all clinics and take CGP, aiming all the time for pharmD and to advance to ALF just so i can do ambcare. But i guess i don't truly know what i'm in for.
People in ambcare worked really hard for what it is today. They put in long hours of research, admin and fighting spirit to keep the whole ambcare in SGH running smoothly. They fight hard to maintain our rights to run these services and always think of ways to maintain the standards of ambcare and to improve the services to patients. These are the people who truly have patients at the heart of what they do.
I've reached a point in my career where suddenly i find a number of obstacles to moving forward in a place that values seniority over meritocracy (to a certain extent). I got disappointed and frustrated that i'm kind of stuck, and keep trying to think of ways to push myself forward. It's lucky that i'm intrinsically motivated, as kaye put it. Ultimately when i asked myself again, do i really want this? why am i fighting so hard to do a pharmD? then i realised it's all in a bid to be in the ambcare pool of people, bcos i'm so caught up with running clinics instead of doing the daily operations of the pharmacy. then i went on to think: is ambcare just all about running the clinics? nope. it's about leadership, it's about defending what was build, it's about thinking and forming ideas of furthering our services, it's doing research to show that our clinics are producing results, it's about much much more admin, research, etc than what i just want to do: run the clinics.
So i took a step back to think, if that's the case, is pharmD that impt? yes to some extent, since getting a pharmD would really help in evaluating patients in a more systematic manner and exposure to breadth of knowledge, but is it that crucial to get it fast? no really, except that my brain is deteriorating. but sometimes, the lacking in brains can be replaced by another year of experience anyway. The conclusion is, i'm contented with what i'm doing, just running clinics and continue in helping out with patient care. My non-clinical portfolios aren't that bad either, they're qt interesting jobs and as much as i've been trying to drop the portfolios in the past year i haven't been able to do so. And i'm actually glad to do it if i was honest with myself.
Another thing is that i want to spend time on my passions as well. They say never to mix job and passion and i fully agree. In any case, pharmacy was my passion but the way patients act, any passion that was there is just gone la. Now i'm just trying to do as much as what i like about pharmacy but i don't see myself devoting my whole life to pharmacy and ambcare, so it's just as well that i'm not committing to anything yet. I want to instead join singing classes, do some art and crafts now and then, play my instruments, join the orchestra if any wants to take me, and join dance again (will be doing a concert this yr). These are things that truly keeps me happy, that i realised pharmacy actually doesn't. Rather than blindly searching for happiness in career advancement and getting all competitive, there's so much more joy out there instead.
Perhaps things may change in the future and i might change my views on life and career again, but i feel that this is one big change so far and i would like to jot it down as a reference that i've ever thought like this before. In the hope that when i see this again in the future perhaps it will help jolt some memory or give some enlightenment to my career crossroads again.
+ val-* @ 12:12 AM
Today was a gloomy day at work.
I had a shitty week last week. I just felt shitty last week, i thought it through, why was it really shitty.
Monday i had alot of our of the norm cases, and it was unclaimed and very busy and my partner wasn't the best to work with so i was already very sian. I guess when you are sian everything else just follows in that mood. but i guess it was mon so i actually recalled taking everything into my stride quite well, i didn't show my pissed off face to patients or anything, and at one point i even told myself these patients need help. I rmbed i was pissed off on hindsight because 3 people told me "REALLY MEH". like seriously, if you don't believe me just ask someone else. i was very sure of my answers and was in a helpful mood, so i rmbed giving detailed answers and all. How dare you think i'm smoking you. now i know why one of my friend used to feel. i used to think he'd say that because he was insecure, to me i just double checked with others because 1. it's true i didn't believe his answers, 2. it's true i just wanted to be doubly sure. So thinking back i guess i was wrong. but in this case all the answers i gave patients that day there wasn't even a wisp of smoke in there, if i wasn't sure perhaps i wouldn't have been so offended.
Tue i was closing and had to take over early because the floor was opening that day. i actually felt alittle helpless in that situation, like i feel that i could have done something but yet nothing comes to my mind. it honestly wasn't that bad but i felt a little out of touch. plus when it came to the point where all the normal pple left i really felt the hit in manpower shortage. plus i also had this call that yessss asked me sure ah sure ah, when i had to complete my intervention and start clearing the other scripts. i felt bad to be speaking to him so impatiently, perhaps i should have handled it more appropriately or kept someone with me inside. ohwells, the dilemma.
Wed was the shittest. had an error to investigate which turned into a very long investigation because it seemed that before the person who discovered the error informed us, there were others who just gave out the medication. it was a long and dreary investigation, and turned out i was kind of implicated in a way, although i wasn't the one who gave out the medication. and when the error was discovered, the patient load was madness and the closing cover was under a lot of stress. i was pretty insensitive and said don't worry it will clear. and also remarked to her after that "see it wasn't that bad". that was really stupid of me. i'm writing this down so that i don't forget and think before i said such things again, still feel bad abt it until now. to be honest i was really stressed out that day but no excuses for not thinking before speaking. and also writing down that i'm a stupid asshole who doesn't have the courage to even say sorry to her. partly cos i can't find the opportunity to say face-to-face and cos i don't want to text her, but still. see, that's the reason why it's still burning in my conscience. no help to the stress i'm feeling until today. not just that error but also another "assumed" error that alarmed the patient and also led to a lot of investigations, only to come to no concrete conclusion.
thu. a short break at ibd. although ibd clinics are now stressful too, the way we have to be on constant alert to grab patients for the study and all. really hate it. but at least i didn't have that many to do that thu. reached the pharmacy and knew abt the RMS. my heart totally sank and had to plan for follow up actions. not to mention there was also one near miss that was jaw-dropping as well, which i had to half investigate that day. all these really made me crash at 10+ (sth i havent done in eons) that night.
fri. i was supposed to be at asthma clinic with 18pts, wanted to faint. am soooooo glad steph did it for me and in exchange i could do courier, really really needed the break. had to clear the remnants of the RMS. had enough of that week, was thankful i didn't have to work that sat.
over the wkends when i was looking back, i felt that i could have taken things into my stride better. why get so caught up and stressed about the investigations. i should do it in a clear-headed manner and objectively. but i guess because i was also implicated so it was alittle harder to be calm and think calmly. i even thought if i was suited to do this or to tell the comm i'm staying out of such future investigations, but i guess i would benefit from learning to deal with such things and to learn how to better manage my emotions at the same time.
back to today. i was whole day dispensing, and i was expecting a bad day again today although i told myself this week can only be better. it was because the machine had problem and the waiting time was long. i actually did my best once i sat down, and was thankful for all the nice patients i got and that it turned out to be pretty smooth. even managed to counsel some cooperative patients and gave good tips. so despite the tiring day i felt pleased that things were picking up. had to help other solve a few billing problems today and also settle some patient's queries, so i also felt pleased. i think what bothered me was that in the 2nd half of the day i think everyone was really tired. the machine people were all tired, a few friends had some error to settle/investigate, and everyone has to work "harder" when the machine was down. you could see it was really monday blues for everyone. i felt worried and sad for my friends and imagined how it would feel like if im in their shoes. some had family matters on top of all these. to be honest, i can identify with part of it due to my horrendous past week, but when you see their devastated look you'll know it's never the same unless you were in their shoes.
i'm writing all these down so that i will reflect on what has happened and think what i can do to make things better for me and all. i have many things on my mind as well - R&R, CD, med safety, and i also make sure i know which events comes first, which are more crucial, which i should plan first. my thoughts are spontaneous though, suddenly i think of an idea for this, i think of an idea for that. it's all i can do to note it down and save it for later when it's time for plan for the other thing instead.
today's talk about neoh and alio also made me think about my career, what i'm doing now, what are my plans for the future, anyone i should talk to, things like that. i shall keep all this in mind, and chew on all these slowly and carefully.
+ val-* @ 12:07 AM
Today, there were just 3 questions that made me think about my career. It's probably not the 1st time i was asked these questions, but probably the first time i actually thought and said the answer honestly.
Do you like your job?
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like your job?
Do you wake up dreading to go to work?
Previously, i've mostly said that i like my job. it's not too bad, it was what i set out to do initially (somewhat). All along it has been like that, so far the path just unfolds for me from young, and i've always been telling myself i like it.
but if i really think about it, i think i find my job ok? perhaps a 7? and no i don't dread going to work but i do find myself avoiding some tasks at work. sometimes it makes me think if that means i don't really like my job. yet some parts of it are really enjoyable, unfortunately it's not the majority of my time.
another crisis i had recently was the feeling of complacency. like i suddenly didn't feel like advancing, just wanting to stay at the same spot, dreading the longer work hours and greater commitment. To be honest, after completing what i initially set out to achieve in soc, i haven't thought of what i aim to do this year. and i've been trying to avoid the question altogether and going with the flow. but is that really right? should i voice out what i want more? but what do i really want?
for now, it's a little more watchful waiting, seeing if any opportunities come by, to see what i can do currently, to see if i should move forward or broaden my base. in any case, i do need to avoid facing reality and being in denial. opportunities dont just drop from heaven, so i definitely need to be a little more proactive than i am now.
to be contented but not complacent. to be ambitious but not crumble with failure.
+ val-* @ 1:32 AM
http://jamesmsama.com/2014/09/25/the-real-reason-nice-guys-finish-last/
I chanced upon this article when i was reading some other article on this guy's blog, but what was mentioned really enlightened me in some aspects.
the enlightenment: It's true that most people always equate nice to being good, even if we're not talking about guys here. and i really liked the last statement "So, men, instead of being nice – be kind. Be trustworthy. Be strong. Be respectful. Be caring. Be honest. These are the qualities we should really take pride in."
Nice is indeed an overused word in our society, and what it actually means is not clearly defined - just a search on dictionary.reference.com will show you 17 different definitions of nice, and half of it are defined by more specific words ranging from pleasing, agreeable, to virtuous, respectable, refined. These words mean pretty different things, don't they? Being more specific than a mere "nice", which can sound really neutral and superficial.
I don't know how you define nice guy, but i tend to associate them as being.."nice" for a lack of a better word but yet are somehow socially awkward or nerdy or unattractive, which is why i always think they finish last, but i really liked the article's definition of them being a people-pleaser - something that i can identify with.
I admit i'm a little of that. I may seem pretty opinionated but to be honest i'm "nice" to everyone. I'm pretty much of an introvert but introverts still needs social support, so from young i always think that as long as you're "nice" people will like you. but no, you turn out exactly the way the article describes you to be, someone without a defined identity with a collection of positive qualities subjected to changes and are unprincipled in their living, easily swayed by any tom, dick or harry.
And he doesn’t even know who he is. OUCH. and sadly it resonates with me. i admit sometimes i really don't know what i want and most people's arguments sound right to me. to be honest it extends to the fact that i don't really have a favourite cartoon character, when people ask me if this happens how will i react and i'm like, i don't know? and struggling with my existence. oh yes i do. and the consequence is exactly sacrificing your own happiness and conforming to others. oh, the author really hit the nail on the head, i really wonder how he knows it so well cos i definitely can identify it and wasn't that smart to figure it out earlier.
I definitely got my definition of "nice" wrong. Not so much to be a people pleaser, but to hold on to good principles like kindness, gentleness, honest, respectful. Slightly confusing initially for me, since nice can somewhat equate to the above stated virtues. But you don't have to have those virtues to be labelled as nice. You can be sly and be nice, you can betray someone else and yet be nice.
So it's time to change! but so difficult! ohwells. hold on to good qualities and take pride in them!
+ val-* @ 11:41 PM
this week was...appalling.
so many things had happened that i don't even know where to start. it was like being overwhelmed just right after a nice holiday. which was a blessing indeed (i mean the holiday). so much had happened, so many uncertainties and decisions to make, it kind of already sapped all the energy i've gained back from the holiday.
there had been some unhappiness that the workplace with a colleague, some disagreements on how to do things and some hostility. but now that it's friday and i look back at the crazy week, i kind of can understand why the colleague was so touchy and unfriendly, and i admit i probably wasn't being understanding either, having my own share of troubles and worries.
you see, in the first place my week was fully packed, had tutorial/work stuff from tue-fri after work. it was only the wkends where they shifted the tue tutorial to the week after. i went to work early on wed for CE and on thu because i have my semi-annual evaluation/assessment on thu. imagine my stress level. i was kind of on the rocks towards the end of the week.
thu i hit my max tolerance. it started shittily with the train break down when i was intending to go early to prepare for my assessment, took a cab with a kb taxi driver. met with sarcasm first thing in the morning when i reached work, faced the hostility of my colleague mentioned above, went out to dispense feeling really shitty and trying to smile for my patients with a huge effort. the waiting time for long queue items was about 50min then, you can imagine the stress level we work at, preparing to be scolded by our patients. i had to be exceptionally nice to them. then one patient was really nice and tried to joke abit with me, she really made me feel 10249352 times better about the day! really appreciated it alot, especially on a day like this. then my assessor had to do my dispensing assessment at the busiest time of the day. imagine how frustrated i felt. got my lunch delayed thanks to the unannounced assessment, and continued horror in the afternoon. i felt frustrated right from the beginning of the assessment, and was so upset by lunch i totally broke down. picked up myself after lunch for another round of craziness in the afternoon. 2 hours into the assessment i really couldn't take it anymore. i could feel my eyes rolling in my head at every single moment, not even having the energy to defend myself and feeling really wei qu. fortunately it got better for the last hour of the assessment. in the end the assessment turned out well, but i was feeling too shitty and tired to even feel that happy about it. i was ranting alot to my friends recently, if you're one of them pls understand, i was really feeling too shitty about things and really needed to let off abit of steam.
today was really TGIF! the pharmacy was less busy and the colleague i wasn't on good terms with was in a better mood (so was i) and we worked better together today. unfortunately i was still feeling ultra drained bcos the night before i still had to prepare for tonight's tutorial and i slept really late even when i was nodding off during the preparation. still, i had a really good time with choonsiang yuyan and puiying today!! and magnum really made my day! really celebrated that this week is over!
another thing why this week was particularly stressful is because we were told a sudden news to consider for residency. technically, they wanted to make us do it but i have a kind boss who told us about it for us to consider. and he said we have to decide preferably asap, like in a day? with the amount of uncertainty, i really don't know what to think about it. there's alot to consider if you really want to consider. anyway, i made up my mind to do it in a day. it was kind of impulsive but when there's too many uncertainties, there's only one way: entrust it to God and decide. so i prayed that night, and i felt that everything was pulling me towards taking it up. yep, probably some of it was my own thinking too, i hope that's what God thinks is best for me.
so all in all, i really felt small these 2 weeks. my trip as recorded in my facebook album, was a pretty eventful one and i really felt God's presence with me and my dependence in Him. This week too, i depended on God more, simply because i didn't have the strength to face it myself. i don't think i would have survived without God.
You are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek, you are my all in all.
there are many uncertainties, but my Lord is the Rock of all ages. in all changes there is a constant, God.
Thank you Lord.
+ val-* @ 12:43 AM
http://www.salon.com/2014/05/22/dear_graduates_dont_follow_your_dreams_commencement_speech_for_the_mediocre/?utm_source=digg&utm_medium=email
Well, i just wanted to share this article because, simply said, the guy is being practical when he wrote this article. and being a valedictorian, in all honesty i didn't exactly give any advice in my speech.
Simply because i couldn't. I couldn't attribute what i achieved to anything extraordinary i did, or to hold any principles in life that made me better than others. Thinking back, if i wanted to make things cheesy, i would say that it was all God's grace. It really was! i wouldn't have my intelligence, my diligence, my creativity, the trust in me by my professors, my peers, my friends, and all my various achievements, and small things like time management, multitasking, and everything else. i don't know what i did to deserve all this, but like i said, it's been grace, grace that is freely given without rationale or reason.
Now and then, i would think back what changed my life in uni. I used to be a really quiet girl, very shy (omg nobody would believe it now), and not very popular, just known as being nice and studious. In uni, i decided it was the last time i was going to get the chance to do what i want, try things and being allowed to make mistakes, to be the person that would blend into society. I had to shed my shyness, and i observed people who were popular and successful and well-liked, and i had alot of convincing to do -- convincing myself. Change this! Change that! and i thought to myself how everything started. so i joined the freshman orientation camp for pharmacy, and was super enthu in joining alot of projects and expressed my passion for pharmacy and the related things. Such that the president of the next nus pharm society (nusps) committee actually invited me to join her committee as media director. It was a small role, and to be honest im not really that tech savvy. But i took it anyway. It's ur last chance valerie! grab the opportunity! opportunities dont always come ur way. So i did. and i didn't take it just for the portfolio. i wanted to make it a big thing. i wanted to do things differently from my predecessors. Things that weren't working, throw away. think.think.think. ideas were always forming in my head. i kicked start a few projects that i never thought i would be capable of. to be honest i can't really rmb them now, but i was proud of my ideas anyway. and i made things happen. it wasn't all talk.
then came a second chance. the vice president position of the next nusps committee was not filled. to be honest, there was no one to take the president position that yr too but it was too intimidating for me, and i didn't like the job scope. like i said, i don't do it for the portfolio. but the vice president job scope was just right for me, being a supporting role. the only thing was, it involved international liaison which being the shy me am really scared of PR. but there were other things as well. of which i rmbed, i actually made the world diabetes day and another world day a big thing. it was really to raise the awareness of such a disease, and i racked my brains to come up with ideas that worked. i hated boring stuff like booths with boring posters which definitely would not work. had a nice team of people working with me and we came up with pretty bookmarks and floor posters that we stuck all over the faculty to raise the awareness! it was fun! yes. so i did things the unconventional way.
and lastly, it was the pharmville yr. every yr, pharmacy has a health campaign that was pathetically held outside the bench at lt25. i was not satisfied with that. it didnt even fulfill the purpose. so i proposed to have a large scale health campaign outside lt27. it's the entire area where bazaars are usually held. so the big plan started. since it was about raising awareness about pharmacy and health, we need something that could really capture the people's attention. to do that, i constantly asked myself, what would really attract me? boring posters and all are failures for sure. so that led to pharmville. it was a mega huge project that me and weepin pushed for. i wasnt ready to settle with mediocrity. it was to be done with exceptional commitment and with the aim of being the best. of course, that led to many unhappiness during the preparation period and i admit i wasn't the best of leaders, but it was an eye-opening experience, something i never thought i could actually do. and of course, many painful lessons to learn as well. but i did learn them. the memories are still deeply etched in my heart. so i took the good and the bad in its entirety and i patted myself for having the will to do it. i would never imagine myself to do so before uni.
at the same time i juggled my studies and my dance commitments. my parents disapproved of my crazy involvement with pharmacy and dance, thinking that it would affect my studies and health. in any case, i did it with the promise that i would never let my studies be affected. so i kept my promise and studied really hard in the month before exams, setting a timetable of when to study which chapters of which modules etc and stuck strictly by it. that was how i juggled everything. not at the same time, it was pharmacy and dance during the majority of the sem, and studies at the end of the sem when all the pharmacy and dance activities will be suspended temporarily. yes, so i have to thank God for the intelligence and diligence He placed in me again, because without it how can i manage an entire sem's worth of materials in a month?
you must be thinking why i wrote all these down. i hope you got something from my experience. i've been thinking how everything went so smoothly and how i've achieved so much until now. i hope you get the point im driving at. if not, read on.
now it's the point about work.
you see, after the tiring years in uni life, i just wanted to live a quiet life at work, to just earn my keep and live an easy life. i wasn't crazy about money and was comfortable with my current salary. so there was no motivation to do more. i only wanted to do things that i like, which was clinical pharmacy. prereg flew past, although after it i barely survived, it was a humbling experience. and idk what happened, but anyway i ended up in outpatient and not inpatient for the biggest plethora of reasons. what happened to clinical pharmacy? no, i haven't forgotten about it. u see, outpatient also has ambulatory services and it was interesting.
so when i went into outpatient, i was happily dispensing everyday during the honeymoon period after prereg. i was only aiming for the ambulatory clinics, so i was actively expressing my interest for the clinics to the ambulatory head. but somehow i got arrowed by the operations head as well to do some operations stuff. so at the beginning i straddled between the two. and things were still manageable and pretty slack, so i was alright. to be honest i didn't really want the ops stuff but i didn't have a choice.
so i did it. the thing is, there was something in me that couldn't leave things as it is when i see that something was done mediocre-ly. so i proposed workflow changes, i made changes, i thought about what was wrong and thought about solutions. i guessed that pleased the boss. it's not like i did it to win the favour of the boss but ohwells, if you did ur job well, of course ur boss will like u right?
so more things started coming my way on the ops side. and for the clinics side because i expressed my interest in all, whenever there was an opening in any of the clinics, they would offer it to me. oh yes, i've become more outspoken and more outgoing and daring to speak up for myself. i even try to put in a word or two for my peers but i can't be doing that all the time, just to be realistic. and i believed i didn't get the openings just because i expressed interest solely. of course that would be the initial step and opportunity, but once i got the opportunity to be trained for the clinics, i really put in my effort for them! i attended the tutorials faithfully, did all the assignments that was required of me to fulfill the competencies in a timely manner with quality work to the best i could, because i really want it. you should see the effort some of them put into the clinics. makes me really angry that they get the opportunity too. none from my batch thankfully. anyway, yup, it was the effort and the quality i put in that i got future opportunities.
so have you seen my point? if not, let me summarise:
1) reflect. what do you not like about ur life? i hated my quiet and shy self when i was young, and wasn't content with just being alone and passive.
2) change/act/speak up. you can't just think. actions need to be taken so that you do what you like/want to achieve. i wanted to be more involved in things, so i changed my outlook and i got myself opportunities by joining camps etc. i expressed my passion in pharmacy stuff and i got to join the nusps committee. i wanted clinical pharmacy so i expressed my interest in it so i'd get the opportunities. if you don't say a thing how can ur boss read ur mind and know what you want? i used to be afraid to do all this but i became a little more thick-skinned in the recent yrs i guess.
3) don't be afraid to try. grasp every opportunity. i didn't know a thing about media but i tried anyway. i wasn't good at the operations task (to be honest i hated it) but i did it anyway. you learn new skills and lessons along the way. nothing is too big to try.
4) give everything ur best shot. don't waste the opportunities by doing a lousy job. why would opportunities come ur way again if u don't give a damn about ur current ones, be it that u wanted it or not? like i said, i hated my operations task but i had to do a good job anyway. once people recognize ur abilities, more opportunities come ur way.
yeah, if only i had such sense when i was the valedictorian. it didn't dawn upon me until recently where i was overload with portfolios at my workplace and i had friends who were unhappy because they weren't given anything. and friends who weren't really interested in pharmacy and were unhappy because they weren't given anything and wanting to transfer section. it made me think back where/how everything started in uni and at work. and i realised that was how things happened. both stories were similar, express interest, opportunities, do everything with excellence and get more opportunities. i was just doing what i ought to do. i wasn't doing anything spectacular nor was i trying to suck up to superiors. it was just based on my principles of not being mediocre and giving my best. and i hope this piece of advice im finally giving 2 years after my actual valedictorian speech will help anyone who chanced upon this.
and lastly, i will still have to praise God for all of this and all glory be to Him for all i do. because, i would never have such sense if God didn't place it in me. The source of all blessings and wisdom is the Almighty God.
+ val-* @ 10:25 PM
sometimes in life, you don't really have a choice.
+ val-* @ 7:21 PM
I know i haven't been writing comments about posts even thought i really wanted to start. but yes, i lack discipline and no other excuses to give. in any case, i want to jot this one down as well:
How to be more productive:
Read more: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/06/most-productive-people#ixzz33xVf2q1x
Can't agree more with manage ur mood. I tend to be pretty hot tempered and flare up at little things, really need to constantly remind myself to keep calm. and yes, to turn up for work happily on mon. Really hope there are no bummers like cars who zoom past me when i want to cross at the zebra crossing (twice) that really spoils my mood, putting my life in danger like that. Need to turn up at work bright and smiley:D
I think writing down a to-do list not only helps me rmb what i have to do but also to have a quick glance of the tasks at hand and to prioritize them so that i feel more sure of what to do first, not jumping from one task to the other or multitasking, it really makes a difference to the brain - less flustered and disorganised. and when u check the item off the list after completing it the feeling is just damn shiok.
+ val-* @ 9:19 PM